The People in Your Raid Guild

Zholtok (a guildie of Sarc) posted this in the guild’s forum and I thought is was funny.

Check it out and see which person is you…

The GM
He’s sacrificed his family, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn’t performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild “needs”. If you can keep your mouth shut, he’ll go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.

The GM’s Significant Other
Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She’s terrible. You’ll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.

The Raid Leader
When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.

The Positive officer
That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt.” See Stoners, below.

The Negative officer
Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? It’s Supremus for %@*@s’s sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME!” See Drunks, below.

The Healing Officer
Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, he’s stuck with it.

The Power Behind the Scenes
He’s been here a long time. Like forever. He’s an officer if he even bothered to accept the position. He knows all the gossip and understands the politics. For the love of God, don’t make this guy decide that you are hurting the guild.

The Hunter Class Lead- Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.

The Gay guy
Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the dressing room function before the ‘v’key.

The Stay At Home Mom
She’s around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesn’t usually begin with, “So I was talking to (insert name of four-year-old child) and he says…” May or may not be on speaking terms with spouse. Is muted on vent by 90% of the raid.

Mr. Mikeless
Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.

The Kid
So, you messed up on this guy’s interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he’s young.

The Other Kid
Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury warrior position? And how you wondered how he’d make time to raid during tax season? He couldn’t. His eleven year old daughter took over about that time. She’s been raiding since. Mages… that’s an eleven year-old girl owning you night after night.

The Drunks
The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don’t notice because you’re trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol content.

The Stoners
Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You’ll see who’s in there. It’ll explain a lot. They’re also having more fun that everyone else combined

The Chick with the Accent
Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members. The Negative officer will never, ever call her out.

The Healing Pallie
Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates you. Also, see Prima Donna, the Gay Guy.

The Departed Legend
You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo Doomwalker. But you’re not totally sure.

The Warlock Whisperer
Directionally challenged. Despite having run Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden’s room from the entrance. Has a “summon pls” macro. See (you guessed it) Stoners.

The New Guy
Begins most sentences with, “That’s not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath.” Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he’ll be tellign his next guild, “In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.

The Angry Guy
Not an officer, doesn’t want to be and nobody wants him to be one either. Always yelling on vent about how bad everyone is. ‘Inside voice’ not in his vocabulary. Accent frequent.

The Foreign Guy
Talks fast and loud. English is his second language. Nobody really understands him, but everyone laughs when he talks. Thick accent common.

The “Happy” Chick
You’re pretty sure the doctor ordered her never to go near caffeine or sugar again, but thats not stopping her.

The Douche
He knows his class, knows the game, and always shows up to raids, but generally unpleasant and often rubs his guildmates the wrong way. If you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do (heal as a priest/drood/shammy/pally instead of DPS, tank as a warrior instead of DPS, kite as a hunter instead of… DPS) he’ll do it, but he’ll complain endlessly the entire time and opt out the first chance he gets. He’ll bid on minor upgrades even when someone else could use it more, but hey, he’s got the DKP, and the raid doesn’t want to lose him because he’s a good player. The sort of guy who’d grab Ashkandi when he already had Sulfuras just because he hated to be Mace Spec. Every guild has one, you know who it is–if you don’t, you may BE one.

He has the game down to a science. He may be a 40-year-old accountant with the free time of a 15-year-old student, or a 15-year-old student with the focus of a 40-year-old accountant. Drools over spreadsheets, calculates the group’s overall DPS and efficiency and how it can be improved down to the smallest stat bonus. Spends his days on WorldofRaids and the Elitist Jerks forums looking at all the numbercrunching and posts everything on your own guild forums. Certainly an asset to the raid, but damn he needs a hobby.

The Lucky Bastard
Somehow he’s the only one of his class in the raid that night and, you guessed it, every drop that night was for his class.

Mr(s). Worthless
The one or two people you have to take sometimes because you’re short on people. They are as geared and talent-specced like others in the raid, yet their numbers don’t come close to others. Most of these are hunters or rogues, although that shadow priest or warlock fits that bill. They leave you scratching your heads on how the **** their numbers are so bad, vowing not to take them again until they improve…until next week you need them again.

Damage Meter Maid
Raiding is all about the damage meters for him. He keeps track of them almost obsessively. Often causes problems when he forgets to move with the raid because he was either too absorbed in watching his bar to make sure its still on top of the list or because he was trying to fire off a few more attacks in order to give himself the edge. After a fight is over, he asks for someone to post the meters in raid chat in order to make sure that everyone else saw that he was on top.

The Buff-less Wonder
Plays a class with group buffs, but “forgets” to bring the necessary reagents. Highly skilled at turning a deaf ear and blind eye to buff assignments. If reminded, will proceed to slowly buff people one by one until someone else is overwhelmed by frustration and does it for them.

Mr. Pick Me! Pick Me!

This guy is online and ready to raid. Always. Need a prot warrior? He’s got one. A holy pallie? Check. Problem is, he’s really bad. Like bad bad. You keep him in the guild because he’s… well, he’s always been in the guild. So when your main tank, back up tank, and back up back up tank have vanished Mr. Pick is ready to rock, much to everyone else’s horror.

Has a female toon. Claims to be female. Receives many of the benefits that the other females do, people are nice to her; she gets suspiciously good loot. Problem is, she’s never posted a picture of herself, and she never talks on Vent. Could she really be a girl? Sure. But who’s to know?

The Dumbest Person On The Planet
No one’s quite sure exactly what’s wrong with this guy, perhaps human evolution really has come to a standstill. Will be the cause of 60% of your wipes until he gets a /gkick. Tell him to spread out and he’ll glue himself to a squishy healer. Tell him to avoid something and he’ll stand in it till dead, then complain that he didn’t get any heals. Ask him to CC the yellow star and he’ll pick the orange circle then claim bleeding wounds debuff on his target.

The Obvious Explainer
This guy has read Wowwiki and probably written some of it. He will stop the raid for 15 minutes before each fight to explain to all the new people (of which there are none) that this guy might produce ground fire once in a while or that the hunter adds might shoot arrows. He’ll warn that the boss can hit hard, tell everyone to avoid damage, and remind the healers that they need to keep the tanks alive.


4 Responses to “The People in Your Raid Guild”

  1. 1 Galoheart March 4, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    Seem to be able to identify some players in guild from some the various discriptions. I couldn’t find a exact one that fits me so i guess i would be a mix of some the various ones.

    I would say a mix of all these to some degree:
    The Obvious Explainer/The Power Behind the Scene/The Departed Legend/The Raid Leader.

  2. 2 Salud March 4, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    I see a few that I can be but lately I’ve been a Drunk then I become a Buff’less Wonder

  3. 3 Minsom March 5, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    very funny post.

    I’m not sure where I fit in with this. Mayb before I left and was in the full swing of raiding I would have been a little bit of these at one point or another…Raid Leader (stressful beyond measure), Positive & Negative Officer (is that kinda like playing good cop bad cop?), Healing Officer (gah this caused my UI to consist of more timing bars and addons and make me face a wall when fighting a boss *shudder*), Healing Pally (I didn’t so much “hate” the job it just got tedious, and the fact was that my wife when she was raid leader she would pay me out coz I was wearing a dam dress, I mean kilt). The towards the end before I left I started to turn into; The drunks (mmm…JD and dry), The power behind the scene (well actually I thought so which ties in very strongly with how much I had to drink), The buffless wonder (again I have a strange feeling it was related to drinking) and finally the Dumbest Person on Earth (again linked to drinking which then caused my wife to throw things at me from her desk coz I’ve passed out during the prince fight so that I keep healing her…yes a stapler striking your head does hurt very much and I have stitches to prove it O.o ><).

    Oh I long to get back to the thick of it….

  1. 1 The People in Your Raid Guild « The Holy Light « Rexxarpriest’s Weblog Trackback on April 28, 2008 at 1:38 pm

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